I have lots to update. This post is about the trip mom and I had, I’m going to write another to discuss recent updates on Mom and other things going on.
0 Comments
It has been long over due for me to put some words together for this blog. Overall things have been pretty quiet. Mom, Ryan and I have been able to spend some time together. In May Mom, Ryan and myself went on vacation to Florida. Mom first came to Texas for a few days visining family then Ryan and Mom hit the road to Florida. On their way they stay in New Orleans and made a pit stop at our cousin Kate's house. Here are pictures from their time in New Orleans! They went on a plantation tour, ate famous beignets and took a graveyard tour. Next stop was Florida. We stayed at a beach house rented by my Uncle and Aunt (THANK YOU!). In total it was Mom, Ryan, Matt, Valerie (Ryan's Girlfriend) and our cousin Reagan. We were able to spend time with them and relax by the beach. We had a wonderful time in Florida. We spent lots of time on the beach, we were even able to spend a full day on the beach playing in the waves and soaking up the sun! Mom loved the waves crashing against her and when we were not in the water we just soaked up the sun. Thanks to everyone's donations in the Go Fund Me account and families generosity Ryan and I were able to comfortably enjoy our trip and not worry. I wanted to thank everyone again for their donations and continued thoughts. We truly appreciate all the support and everything everyone has done for us.
As of today we are in the waiting game. Mom's last scan (beginning of June) was a positive one, the whole brain radiation did its job and minimized the cancers growth in her brain. We were all very happy with this news and excited the treatment worked. Right now Mom and the doctors have decided to re-scan at the end of July and then discuss next steps. Currently she is doing pretty good, some days are hard but overall she continues to amaze me what she handles day in and day out. Although Florida was a great time I did not get to spend too much alone time with mom. My dad offered to let us go to our family cabin in Red River. I am so excited to be with Mom at the cabin and in Red River. Red River has always been a refreshing and peaceful place for me and my family growing up. Dad would take Ryan and I on trips every summer and we would almost always spend time in Red River. Its a familiar and comforting place for me. I hope Mom and I are able to sit and just be---something we have not done in a long time. So for now, we continue to take it day by day. Mom had a good scan, we are staying positive but are still keeping the reality in our thoughts. There is not a day that passes where my mind does not wonder full of "what if's" but for now I feel positive and excited to spend some quality time with Mom so with that... I continue to stay Steady in Hope with love, Kelly Marie As time continues to pass the initial shock of my mother’s situation as subsided some. I continue to struggle with focusing on the positive and being present in the moments we have together. Mom and Ryan this morning in New Orlean's!
This week was a hard week.
I have lots of mixed and bittersweet emotions about my mother’s situation. This week my mother completed her full brain radiation treatments. She called me this week excited that it was over, happy that she didn’t have to do it anymore. I tried hard to be happy and tried hard to show excitement for another medical accomplishment but the excitement I showed wasn’t fully genuine. Completing this treatment means there are practically no treatment options left. Less things to help pro-long this time we have been given. I’m so grateful she continues to fight, grateful she has the strength and determination to kick cancers ass but knowing this treatment is over is bittersweet. The other part of my week that was difficult had to do with my job, just to remind you I work for a hospice. I work with families when they are fragile and usually experiencing one of the biggest emotional challenges in their life. Someone they love is dying. Something I am now so closely connected to. This week we had a patient die, this death was quicker than expected. I’m aware all the patients are going to die, I know they are on hospice for a reason but sometimes, some families, some patients strike you and affect you in a certain way I just cant explain. This situation was one of those and it was very emotional for myself and for all of our team. This patient died of a brain tumor. This would not be the first patient we’ve had die with a brain tumor but it’s the first patient who has died since my family has received the most recent news of my mothers tumors spreading to her brain fluid. Sometimes I find myself struggling to separate my grief from the experiences I witness and the pain I see. I find myself questioning more thinking things like ‘ ‘will I react this way’, ‘will my mom’s decline be like this’, etc. So at the end of the day, it was a hard week. It was hard for me to realize my mother possibly has no more treatment options and to work with the family of this patient who died, and to be present for this family when I myself am grieving. I think this will be a battle I will have to fight often. I will often have to set my grief aside to be present for the families but remember to come back to my grief and come back to working on myself. Although this week was hard I’ve had some pretty wonderful moments since the last time I posted. My brother and I decided to start a Go Fund Me account to help fund trips back and forth from Arizona. The support we received and continue to receive has been just astonishing. I am still in shock and feel the true definition of gratitude for everyone who has supported it. This support has provided such a relief to my brother and myself. We now know we can hop on a plane when we want and not worry about our finances. That feeling is something I cannot replace. So the only words I have for all of you who have contributed is…. Thank you. The link for the Go Fund Me account is on my menu bar at the top of the page. As I’m sitting here writing this, a typical Texas spring storm is blowing through town. I hope as this rain falls it helps bring a new week, a new amount of strength to help me push through. I hope the Go Fund Me account continues to grow I hope this upcoming week I find the strength I need I hope one day cancer is cured Kelly Marie I decided I'm going to try to write when anything strikes me or when I feel I need to express myself, so here are my thoughts...
Last night I was rummaging through my desk and stumbled across a folded up , very crumpled piece of paper. When I opened it up I realized it was a poem my mother had wrote for me. Those of you who know my mom personally would know she loves to write. She journals daily and often writes poems for special occasions. The poem I found I think was written for when I graduated high school, but it wasn't dated. There were a few lines I just kept reading over and over, making this heart of mine feel the ache I’m desperately trying to ignore. This is the first line which caused me to pause and re-read, was “Time can never be recaptured, yet you may always visit it in your thoughts”. Seriously!?!, How much more truthful can it get than that? The moments I have had with my mom and the moments I am continuing to make will never be something I can recreate they will only thoughts, memories for me to simple dream about and look upon for comfort. The second line which made me pause was this “So on days when life is not shining with promise, Use the moments like today to light your way, Until once again, you find yourself at another moment of pure joy.” The words which stick out to me are ‘pure joy’…. I read that and think ‘ya right' what I thought was or could be pure joy is no longer feasible. Deep down I know this is not the truth. I know I will have moments of joy but then it will always be followed with a moment of “I wish mom was here” or “I wonder what mom would think of this” I’m sure some of you are reading this thinking, why are you already talking about your mom as if she not here anymore when your mom is still alive, still fighting. But the truth is I am thinking these things and these are the kind of things that cause me the most pain and heartache. It amazes me how something so simple as a poem written under completely different circumstances can be so powerful, emotional and comforting all in the same moments. I'm so grateful I have things like this from my mother, I will forever cherish them. I can turn to this poem and others and know she wrote them from her heart of hearts for me. Trying to accept an illness like this for a family member is hard, trying to accept the dreams you had for your family member may no longer happen is almost impossible. I have so many dreams, so many wishes for my mother, so many hopes for her to be a part of my future. I know things are not impossible, some dreams, some wishes may still happen but everything is so unknown and unsure. The uncertainty hanging over my days is such a heavy load to be carrying around. To assist with the uncertainty Ryan & I started a GO FUND ME account. The account funds will be used mostly for trips to visits mom and to support her if necessary. The link is at the top of the page on the menu bar titled "support" I also added many photos and quotes under the menu tab "digital scrapbook" I hope I will be able to make many meaningful memories I hope I continue to find items from my mother like poems, etc. I hope one day cancer is cured Until next time I will try to stay... Steady in Hope, Kelly I started this blog this past December when my mom had surgery on her brain to remove a tumor in hopes I would be able to turn to it as a place to express myself.
So bare with me, some things I say, some things I think you may not agree with and I don’t expect you too, but know these are my words and this is my heart I’m opening up. So here goes nothing. I hate cancer. And I hate everything is has done to my family. I hate how it has changed my outlook on my life, I hate how much pain it has brought to my mothers life and every thing it is taking away from my future. I am so angry. and so gut wrenchingly sad I don’t even know how to possibly give anyone a perspective or insight So here is what cancer is doing: My mom has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She has been fighting gracefully and diligently since November of 2013. In the past three weeks we were given some pretty hard news. This cancer has now spread into the fluid in her brain. And now here we are. Three months later we are being told an amount of time we have left to be with her. We are being told her treatment options are minimal and not to cure anything, they are only palliative…only to buy us more time. I’m specifically not giving the time frame because I don’t think its important for others to know, I don’t think its necessary. It is not everyone business. People get so focused on the numbers when I mention the time that they cant even see passed it. I want people to see that we are trying to focus on our moments together and the time we do have. I see families make this mistake day in and day out, for those of you who don’t know I work for hospice; I work with families and specifically children who are grieving every single day. I see the heartache death brings to the table for every person connected. And now, my heart is aching. My mother is now undergoing whole brain radiation, pushing through to gain as much time for her family and herself as she can. The amount of strength this woman has amazes me constantly. I only hope I have a fraction of her tenacity and determination. So, I suppose I’m still Steady in Hope. I’m just hoping for more specific things now. I hope my mother follows whatever path she believes she needs too I hope I am able to have the strength to continue I hope cancer is cured one day. Kindly, KC Well, I’m headed back to the lone star state again. The airport is always an interesting place for me to watch people, wondering where all of these people are going or where they have been, everyone is on their own journey. I remember when I was younger around 10 or 11 years old I would fly back and forth on this same route to visit my father and people would always be so kind to me, asking what my favorite subject in school was or why I was doing flying alone. I remember thinking “people on planes were so nice and interested in my life!”
Christmas Day
|
AuthorMy name is Kelly. Archives
March 2016
Categories |